Ok, so I've failed at the serving every day thing, but I'm trying. I usually count little stuff like letting a car in front of me cut in, or smiling instead of getting mad when someone does something terrible. Even babysitting the kids last week, I counted some of that because rather than just being lazy and making the kids play on their own, I play with them, do dishes, vacuum, and make up games with them, so I count that too! I really wanted to find more outside of my bubble but I'll work on that this week.
I've been struggling lately with depression. I didn't even realize it until someone pointed it out when I was sharing my life's issues with them. In fact they said it was pretty severe. I don't know why I'm depressed, I have so much and I have so much to be grateful for that I feel bad like I'm letting the Lord down and not being grateful enough. These feelings only make it worse so I'm trying not to go there. I have decided to stop job hunting. I am just going to babysit for the summer and then find some sort of work in the fall. This relieves a lot of my stress. When you are depressed any task, despite its level of difficulty is WAY Way harder that it should be. So I need to destress and relax. If Heavenly Father wants me to teach and use the skills, talents, gifts, above average abilities that I have with his children in schools, than He will find me a job from the hundreds of applications I have submitted. I have done my part and I pray that its enough, but am ready to give up and move on. I get to spend my summer dreaming up different jobs I could do for the fall. I've had one school ask me to be a permanent substitute, so I may do that. Or I could get creative, so who knows! If you have time, pray for me. I could really use some help, I'm an emotional mess and I really really try to be happy and put this depression behind me.
Progress is a gift and a blessing. I know understand what the word "damned" means now and why that is used in relation to Hell. I would just love to have something in my life progress. A baby, a job, an income, something. But I am using this as an exercise in patience. I try to imagine just how much more patient I can be and then be it. If that makes sense. I decided the one thing I can control right now is my spiritual life, so that's something that I can progress in!!
I love Primary. I am so grateful to use my talents in helping the kids. Today after sharing time I recieved a compliment from another primary worker who noticed how much I love the kids and work with them so well. I surely hope the Lord was listening and maybe planning my next career move, haha. So at least I have that. I love kids, maybe I should be better at applying the unconditional love and amazing patience I have towards kids, to other areas of my life.
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2 comments:
Hum, do you want to be a politician - we could use a few good ones and you're GOOD!
Love ya!
Jenni, I'd love to pray for you! I cannot imagine why you get the trials that you do. It seems as though every step in your life, Heavenly Father makes it ten times harder than other's. I don't understand it and I know you may not either. But I do know, that you're darn tough and you can handle hard things. John and I and Hannah will keep you in our prayers...you can count on that!
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